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Ambrose Bierce

A Cocktail Dictionary

Translations for the Trade

Alcohol: A foul-tasting byproduct of trendy (which see) drink creation.

ATF: John Law with a speech impediment; a mean drunk (which see).

Bartenders are all using….: Barkeeps without pesky scruples being paid by the brand marketing dept. as shills to promote your trendy (which see) product (which see) in a new (which see) beverage.

Blank-blank cocktail news story: (vis: “drug cocktail,” “biodefense cocktail,” “Molotov cocktail.”) Reportage of any mixture of chemicals to create a desired effect for an intended purpose; see trendy and promo.

Champagne: Like spackling compound, a light sanding, and a new coat of paint.

Classic: Served in stemware (which see).

Cocktail bling: See schmuck

Cocktail revival: Served in stemware (which see).

Colorful cocktail(s): Cool (which see) new (which see) classic (which see) yet trendy (which see) drink you’re bound to love (which see).

Cool: Idiotic.

Drinking less but better: You’re raising prices across the board.

Drink responsibly: A benediction at the foot of all product (which see) advertising; (vis: “Have a nice day.”).

Drunk: Noun: Valued product (which see) patron. Verb: See drink responsibly.

Enchant, enchanting: Girly drink (which see).

Ewww, I don’t like it: You can taste the alcohol (which see); opposite of new (which see) and trendy (which see).

Exclusive: If you’re reading it/getting into it, it’s over.

Girly drink: Any new, (which see) trendy (which see) drink.

Hip, hippest: You’re a writer who wouldn’t know a trend if it bit you on the ass.

‘Ho: The dignified purveyance of your estimable product (which see).

Kicky: Description of a girly drink (which see).

Latest: If you’re reading it/drinking it, it’s over.

Market coverage: Periodicals and websites created and maintained to ‘ho (which see) your product (which see).

Marketing Department: An orgy, on so many levels.

Marketing Rep.: You have a BA in business, it’s all about the ka-ching, so let’s rev up sales (which see) for the trend-setting (which see) product (which see) to which you’ve been summarily assigned. PS: You’re good-looking and horny but (somewhat) selective.

Mmmmph, mmmph, murph, murph, -gak- huuuawwpp: Office party with trendy cocktails.

New, newest: vodka with a diabetes-inducing dose of trendy (which see) liqueur and juice added to it.

Not for everyone: Ouch! What did you do to get assigned to THIS account?

Not just for Margaritas anymore: Another ephemeral attempt to increase Tequila sales by putting it in cocktails no bartender will make.

Popular: Was trendy (which see) but is now trending off (which see) and bartenders just have to suffer through it.

Press Release: Premature ejaculation.

Pricey cocktail: Another idiot is throwing schmuck (which see) in the bottom of an otherwise mediocre drink.

Product: Cowry shells and mirror bits, traded for gold and virgins.

Promo: What’ll it take?

Return of the cocktail: See cocktail revival.

Rev up sales: Big marketing push on this brand - which you’ll drop like a pump n’ dump stock next season.

Schmuck: German for jewelry; American for anyone who buys a pricey cocktail (which see) containing schmuck.

Sophisticated cocktail: “That’s awful; throw some Champagne (which see) into it.”

Stemware: Instant sophistication; often associated with Champagne (which see).

Style: Old hat.

Taking the brand upmarket: You’re not limiting your advertising to the African American and/or Hispanic consumer anymore (on this product).

This product has legs: 1: TWO seasons of revving up sales (which see).
2: Product (which see) has an unexpectedly addictive component. Also see promo.

Trendiest, trendy, trend-setting: This product/cocktail is so superficial it’ll last a week and a half before everyone realizes how wretched it is. See rev up sales.

Trending off: The public has begun to realize it’s swill; the gig’s up.

Vanilla brandy/”Cognac”: You haven’t taken this brand upmarket yet.

Versatile: A word rarely used when describing trendy (which see) cocktail ingredients because even brand marketing reps feel token shame.

What’s old is new again: Beating a dead horse.

Whiskey, cherry: You haven’t taken this brand upmarket yet.

Wow, that was a GREAT drink!: Not an industry term; perhaps a foreign language?

Yapping, trouble-making curmudgeon: See zealot.

You’re bound to love...: This cocktail/liqueur/spirit is so sweet and candy-like a six year old will like it, and you fit the bill.

Zealot: Nut case whose entire worldview is through a glass. Mea culpa.

Originally published on December 25th, 2005